its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
