I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
