Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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