you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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