I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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