I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So apparently I’m into choking now
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