I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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