hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
