I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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