The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
