She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
