Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
