Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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