My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
