LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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