Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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