The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
