My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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