Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Please don't give away my fajitas
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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