Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize