now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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