You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She even gives head with a lisp.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We left the knife in your bed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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