omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
