I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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