a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
