I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
