***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
