I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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