shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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