so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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