So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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