Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
