Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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