just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
a search helicopter?!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
