I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
