i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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