Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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