Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
