I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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