Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
