Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just pee around me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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