Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
