She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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