I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
