Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
