Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
