i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
