Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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