saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
