I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
