Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
