well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
