i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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