He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
