when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
