The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
