they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
