i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
