that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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